


Blue Veins

by GhostOfLight



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, Homophobia, Human AU, Self-Harm, Substance Abuse, Suicide, Time Skips, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-19
Updated: 2015-08-19
Packaged: 2018-04-15 13:56:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4609278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostOfLight/pseuds/GhostOfLight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mom told me that sometimes, people just need to go to their own special place so they can pick up the pieces and start over. (Steven POV) Human AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blue Veins

**Author's Note:**

> Steven is 10 in present times.
> 
> Inspired by the innocent kids who look out for their babysitters.  
> Thank you for being such lovely human beings.

**[Present]**

I used to like the rain.

Every time I saw the clouds gathering from the distance, it reminded me of the times when I would sneakily try to get out of Peridot’s sight so I could go out with Connie and dance with her under the rain. We’d pretend that we were part of a mystical fairy group who could summon the water spirits at will and they would be able to rid the world of the forces of evil. Peridot would then find us drenched from head to toe and yell at us a good five minutes before dragging us back inside the house.

It wasn’t really fun, if I think about it; but it got Peridot to talk to us a little bit longer before she would ask us to just go do our homework. She said she had a bunch of grown up stuff to do and it would require a lot of time and concentration so being alone would be best for her. She’d say this all to Connie and me with a firm look and immediately dismiss us to our own devices.

I wish she didn’t have to do that.

I’m not blind, you know.

But I guess it is hard to talk about things when you want to speak but only tears come out. Mom told me that sometimes, people just need to go to their own special place so they can pick up the pieces and start over.

But I wish she didn’t have to cry all the time.

It wasn’t her fault.

**\- - -**

**[2 Years Earlier]**

“I’m going to get you, you little shrimp!” Lapis yelled, laughing as she ran after me with a pail and shovel. We were chasing each other at the beach, playing Beach Buddies Fun Tag. Peridot, was of course, being her boring “grown up” self by reading a wordy book in some corner.

I’m glad that Lapis would pick up on this fast because usually, after she’d catch me, we’d sneak up to Peridot and totally Steven Bomb the heck out of her and she’d be so mad! Her cheeks would puff out and her hair that already stuck out in all possible places would get even messier and we’d roll on the sand, holding our tummies and laughing so hard.

Needless to say, that was what pretty much happened.

“You clods!” Peridot screeched, trying to get up as she spat out the salty water and sand. I guess Peridot had already anticipated this much because ever since me and Lapis sprang this on her the first time, all her books were finally laminated. Once she finally got her bearings, she’d drop her book and start chasing us and then it **really** became a Beach Buddies Fun Tag!

“Ugh, you two are really pushing it, you know?” Peridot grumbled, squeezing a bit more of the water from her jacket. When the sun started to set after all our shenanigans, Lapis and Peridot would take me home.

“Relax, Peri. You had fun didn’t you?” Lapis grinned, holding both Peridot’s hand and mine in her own. It wasn’t too long of a walk so we’d usually be home in 5 minutes. Once we were there, they’d tell me to go take a shower at once.

“Go on now Steven, you know your mom’s not going to like it if you suddenly catch a cold.” Lapis said, gently nudging the towel to me. Of course, I’d play along as if I didn’t want to and Peridot would get really exasperated again.

“Oh come on Steven, do you really want us to get in trouble that badly?” Peridot groaned, grabbing the towel and wiping her face before Lapis would take it back and wrap it around me like a human burrito.

“Take a bath or we’re cooking you up!” Lapis playfully threatened, making lion-like gestures. She’d elbow Peridot to follow, which she usually wouldn’t.

“I don’t know. _One_ lion isn’t that scary.” I’d whistle, egging Peridot to follow suit with Lapis. Usually she would give in but sometimes she’d get this sly glint in her eyes and do something different.

“Well what about this?” Peridot smirked, suddenly sweeping Lapis off her feet and dipping her into a kiss.

“Oh yuck, kissy faces!” I’d yelp, grabbing for my towel and running inside the bathroom. As soon as I closed the door, I would hear Peridot laughing and Lapis beating her fists on Peridot before a sudden silence would envelope the room.

I never really knew what they did in those 10 minutes of me bathing but what I do know is that Peridot would suddenly have a bruise on her neck and Lapis would say it was from Lion, my cat.

**\- - -**

**[5 Hours Earlier]**

“Hey little man? Aren’t you hungry?” Dad asked, nudging my plate towards me.We were having waffles for breakfast, and I love waffles! The way the maple syrup would get super gooey when it mixed with the chocolate and then it sticks to the roof of your mouth? It was fun and sometimes gross, but it was also equally delicious!

You probably could never tell but Lapis’ actually an amazing cook.

I loved her waffles.

I shook my head.

“Sorry, but I ate a lot of Cookie Cats before going to bed last night.” I grinned sheepishly, rubbing the back of my head because I knew that once mom found out after her shower, she was going to stop buying them for a week. Dad gave me a quizzical look, glancing at me from top to bottom before sighing.

“Alright Steven, I won’t tell your mom. But it’s going to be a long day, you know?” Dad said, ruffling my hair.

“I know.”

**\- - -**

**[1 Year and 8 Months Earlier]**

Lapis wasn’t always best friends with her family.

The times when Lapis wasn’t babysitting me with Peridot, the two of us would sit down at the beach and just let the waves crash onto our toes. She’d tell me all sorts of stories about mermaids, Atlantis, and other cool stuff! It was really fun to hear about so many tales of adventure, and Lapis was always so happy to talk about these things. But sometimes after each story, she’d get really quiet and we would sit in silence.

“Steven?” She asked, her voice wavering a little.

“Yeah?”

“What do you think about me and Peridot?”

I looked at her and cocked my head.

“What do you mean?” I asked, not really understanding the question. What do I think of them as my sitters because if that’s what she meant, they’re totally cool and fun! Even if Peridot could be a bit of a buttface.

“I mean like, what do you think of me and Peridot. Being, uhm, together.”

“You mean like how my mom and dad are together?”

“Yeah.”

Now I was getting really confused. What did mermaids have anything to do with them being together? But I don’t think she was trying to connect those two things so I just answered whatever came to mind.

“I don’t know. I mean, both of you can get icky sometimes when you two go kissy face behind my back.” I wrinkled my nose.

“Wait, you see us?” Lapis asked, covering her mouth as her face flushed red.

“Yeah! You guys are terrible in hiding! No wonder I always win our Hide-and-Seeks.” I said, crossing my arms in pride. I still hold the world record of being the last to always be found and I’m proud of it!

“So… You don’t think it’s wrong? It’s completely okay?” She asked softly.

“No! Why would it be wrong? Love is love and that’s all that matters!” I said firmly, clenching my fists to make my point stronger. Lapis looked at me and smiled, pulling me into a hug.

“Thank you, Steven.”

I didn’t really understand why Lapis started to sniffle a lot when she was hugging me but I didn’t ask her. She was trembling that day, trying her hardest not to make it too obvious that she was crying so I pretended not to see and just hugged her really, really tightly.

After that, we never really talked about it anymore; Until one day, while Peridot was babysitting me by herself, Lapis burst into my house.

“I can’t fucking take it anymore!” Lapis cried, running into Peridot’s arms and breaking down. I guess I was the only one who didn’t understand what was happening because Peridot’s eyes started tearing too.

“What the fuck do they know about me. What the fuck do they know about you? They don’t even know anything!” Lapis wept, her voice trying to choke out her words. “So what if we’re two girls. It’s normal. It’s the 21st century already and they should get it through their thick conservative skulls that I love you and only you and that shit’s never going to change!”

“Live with me, Lapis.” Peridot begged, her eyes stinging with tears. “Please, just live with me already.”

“You know I can’t do that Peri. You know what will happen if they find out that it’s you.”

“What can they do to me that my parents haven’t done already?”

“Exactly why I can’t let you-”

“I don’t care about me!”

“Well I do!”

“I do too.” I piped out, my voice quivering a little. I didn’t like it when people fought. Even if they’ve been my sitters for only five months, they were so important to me.

“Maybe both of you can just live with me instead? I know mom and dad will be okay with it?” I smiled, biting my lip. That would be really cool, honestly! I’ve always wanted two bigger sisters. Peridot and Lapis looked at each other and then at me before smiling and enveloping me in a tight hug.

“Please don’t cry anymore, Lapis, Peridot. It makes me sad when both of you are sad.” I said softly.

“We’re sorry Steven. We didn’t mean for you to see us like this.” Peridot murmured, resting her chin on my head.

“We’ll figure this out later, don’t worry.” Lapis kissed me on the temple. “But for now, who’s up for some waffles?”

“Oh, I am! I am!”

**\- - -**

**[4 Hours Earlier]**

“Do I really have to dress up in this? This is so hot!” I whined, fanning myself with my hands. I didn’t like it when I had to dress up this much. It made me feel restrained, like I couldn’t run around.

“It’s going to be raining today, Steven. Best be prepared.” Mom smiled, brushing her hand against my cheek. I love my mom. She always smiled and knew how to make things better. The only thing I didn’t like about her was how she and dad were always away from home because of concerts ever since they got discovered two years ago. I like music too! I wish school wasn’t that big of an issue.

“Besides, you look snazzy in those clothes! Maybe even snazzier than me.” Dad grinned, trying to adjust his tie as he got out of their room. Mom looked at him and snickered.

“Greg, do I really have to fix your tie for you too?” Mom giggled, redoing dad’s tie to look much better.

“You know you want to.” Dad winked, giving mom a quick peck on the lips.

“Ewww.”

Mom and Dad laughed. Whenever they would get all kissy face, these were the times I was really glad that they made Peridot and Lapis my babysitters. At least the two of them tried to hide it from me!

_Sigh._

I miss them.

“Okay, okay, can we please go now?” I pouted, tugging at dad’s suit.

“Alright little man. Let’s go.”

**\- - -**

**[1 Year and 5 Months Earlier]**

“Oh come on, it will be fun!” Lapis said, trying to brush off the sand from the boat.

“And you know how to drive a boat so we’re all good!”

It was really sunny that day and Lapis had suggested that it was high time that we used the boat that mom and dad made a few years ago.

“Lapis, that was one time and I had adult supervision.”

“Well you’re an adult and I’m an adult. Besides, all we really do is just sit or swim near the shore. I bet Steven would want to see what’s beyond that.” Lapis grinned, picking me up and whooshing me in the air.

“Haha, yeah Peridot! I want to see the world! I want to go out into the sea!” I exclaimed, waving my hands around to further my point.

“We don’t even know how to navigate this thing, how can you expect me to agree?”

“Oh I do! Dad taught me how when we went on this boating trip last Summer!”

“See, you know how to drive a boat and Steven knows how to navigate. Not to mention I’m a former girl scout so I know a thing or two about these things. We’ll be fine.”

After 5 minutes more of convincing, pleading, and kissy faces ( _eww_ ) between the two of them, Peridot finally gave in to us and agreed to our boating adventure. I didn’t really get why she was so hesitant because it’s not like mom and dad weren’t going to let us! They actually wondered when we’d ever use the boat again so it was really cool that we were finally going to use it after so long.

Peridot made sure to check the boat for all its nooks and crannies while Lapis and I packed in a few snacks and three fishing rods. It’s been a while since I’ve gone fishing so I was even more excited now! Eventually we finished preparing and we got on the boat.

It felt so exhilarating to feel the salty sea air breezing through our skin, and seeing the seagulls that were squawking and flying by. I even got to see some kind of fish jumping out of the water! Lapis and I wanted to reach out to them but Peridot wouldn’t let us. Man, she’s way too scared of these things! It’s not like we were going to fall in or anything.

Peridot was super cautious not to go too far out into the sea so we were just far enough that Beach City was visible as a tiny dot. We wanted to go further but the stern look that Peridot was giving us was enough to shoosh us. We spent hours out, just fishing and laughing at how weird our catches were.

You know the saying, time flies when you’re having fun? That was exactly what we felt until a tiny drop plopped into the book Peridot was reading.

“Ugh, come on, really guys? I thought I already told you two to stop wetting my things!” Peridot complained, trying to wipe it off with her hoodie.

“We’re out in the sea Peri, I don’t think anything’s safe from the water.” Lapis laughed, pausing from her story about Davy Jones to lean in and kiss Peridot’s cheek.

“I-I know that!” Peridot flushed, trying not to look embarrassed from the display of affection. There was a sudden rumble in the sky and the rain started to continuously drizzle down. “Okay, I don’t think it’s such a good idea to stay out this long anymore. We’re going back.”

“Aww, but we still haven’t seen a dolphin!” I whined, pulling out my best puppy face rendition.

“I know Steven, but it’s too dangerous to be-”

“Ahh!! Holy smokes, I think I’ve caught a big one!” Lapis yelled, gripping hard on the pole. We haven’t been really catching anything big so this was really exciting!

“Hold on Lapis!” I cried, grabbing her and trying my best to help her pull the giant.

“Man, what the hell is this thing, it’s huge!”

“I don’t know and I honestly don’t want to know. Just let it go you two, you might hurt yourselves.”

The rain started to pour down even harder and the boat was rocking with more force, the waves of the ocean pouring in.

“No way Peri, I know we can totally hook this thing and we are so going to try!”

“Lapis please, this is dangerous! Just let it-”

I sometimes forgot that when Peridot had a bad feeling about things, she was usually right. A bolt of thunder rumbled in the sky, making me yelp and lose my balance. I lurched forward along with Lapis and suddenly we were surrounded by blue.

“Lapis! **STEVEN**!” Peridot screamed, diving immediately into the sea. My mind was in full panic mode as I gasped for air. I knew how to swim but the force of the waves were new to me. Peridot grabbed onto my hood with strength I did not know she had and hoisted me up the boat immediately.

“Lapis. She’s-” I hiccupped, trembling at the cold. The colour in Peridot’s face drained and yelled at me to wait by the boat as she dove down again.

I was so scared and I started to cry.

_Lapis was in the swimming team in their university so she was going to be okay. Nothing bad was going to happen to her, and whatever happens, Peridot’s going to save her anyway! Because love always wins._

I repeated these thoughts in my mind over and over again, waiting for the two of them to surface up.

But I didn’t know that Lapis had her wrist caught on the rod. I didn’t know that the fish was still continuously dragging her down deeper into the sea. I didn’t know how she was struggling to get the string off the promise bracelet that Peridot had given to her on their first date.

What I did know was that Peridot managed to hold her breath long enough to release Lapis from the rod and drag her back into the boat.

I remember how Peridot desperately tried to get the water out from Lapis and how she was breathing air into her mouth. I remember Peridot yelling at me to get the boat in motion and how I tried to drive the boat back into Beach City and Peridot just kept on repeating her attempts of CPR. I remember how we were slightly thankful that the hospital was so near the beach that we burst through the doors and shoved Lapis in their arms.

“Oh God. Please, please, please.” Peridot was crying, trying so hard not to break down even further outside the room. They wouldn’t let us in and I was hugging Peridot very tightly to try to calm her down.

“Don’t worry Peridot. I’m sure Lapis is fine.” I was crying too, trying to convince ourselves that this was all going to blow over and everything would be fine.

But sometimes.

Words are just words.

**\- - -**

**[3 Hours Earlier]**

“You doing okay there, buddy?” Dad asked as he was driving the van. The trip was long, ever since we moved to the Suburbs a few weeks ago. I didn’t understand why we had to move when Beach City was already perfect as it is.

“Yeah. I’m fine.” I lied, trying to preoccupy myself with my solo I-Spy game. I don’t usually lie because I know I can’t and I’m terribly bad at it. Mom said I got it from Dad and we’d laugh about it.

This time though, we didn’t.

Mom gave me a worried look and was about to say something but she stopped herself.

“There’s some cookies in our lunch box. It’s not cookie cat but maybe you’d want to have some.” She smiled, rubbing my cheek affectionately. I made a scrunchy face because all cookies are butts compared to cookie cat but I guess it was better than nothing.

“Thanks mom.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

**\- - -**

**[1 Year Earlier]**

“Peridot? I think the Baked Mac is burning.”

“Oh shit!” She yelped, running straight to the kitchen to turn off the oven. Connie and I giggled a little as Peridot cussed a string of words we weren’t allowed to say. It’s not that we were making fun of her, Peridot knows that. It’s just sometimes it’s nice to hear her talk again, even if it’s a bit vulgar.

It’s been five months since that day, and the world keeps moving on.

I don’t like remembering that day, or the two weeks that followed after it. Mom said that when people passed away, the people who were special to that person gathered and remembered their fondest memories of them together. But all I saw were a lot of grown ups yelling at each other and bad, hurtful words being flung and Peridot was in the middle of it all.

In fact, those words actually circled around her.

_“You did this to my daughter!”_

_“You skanky bitch! If it weren’t for you, none of this would have happened!”_

_“And you took the Universe’ kid with you? Are you fucking stupid? I know we were unfortunate to have had you grow up this way, but we didn’t raise you to be a dumbass!”_

_“I knew it was you! I knew you were a fucking lesbian the moment you stepped into our house!”_

_“Don’t even come to the funeral. We should have you sued but you’re not even worth it.”_

_“You should have died instead.”_

**_You. Should. Have. Died._ **

Mom said that when people get angry, they sometimes say hurtful things that they don’t mean. She said never to take it to heart because it would just end up destroying you. I tried my best not to, even if sometimes a little voice in my head told me that it was my fault. I’m glad I met Connie during that time because she helped me get through it, and helped me try to find peace.

But Peridot never really got her peace.

“Alright, I managed to salvage this to make it still edible for consumption purposes.” She sighed, serving us the slightly burnt Baked Mac. Some parts were really black and tasted a bit funny, but otherwise, it tasted pretty good!

“Wow, this is yummy Peridot! I didn’t know you could cook!” I smiled, trying to start a conversation.

“You think so?” She smiled shyly.

“Yeah. I don’t get why Lapis didn’t let you in the kitchen more often!” I laughed until I realized what I had just said. I immediately clasped a hand over my mouth.

After the funeral, Dad told me not to talk about what happened until Peridot felt comfortable to do so. He said to wait patiently and kindly. My parents told Peridot that it was okay if she didn’t want to babysit me for a while, that they’d look for a replacement in the meantime but Peridot didn’t want to hear anything of it. She said she was fine and she was more than happy to watch over me.

For five months, she never mentioned Lapis.

Her eyes widened as I spoke of Lapis’ name and her hands began to tremble. I was about to apologise when she suddenly burst out laughing.

“Ahaha! That clod was always too scared I’d burn her precious food!” She laughed, her eyes tearing up as she held her stomach. I didn’t know how but I started laughing as well and Connie joined in until the entire house resounded with our laughter. It was a fleeting moment, and it felt so good to suddenly hear so much joy again from Peridot.

“Ahaha, all right you two. That’s enough. You two better go do your homework now.” She said, cleaning up the dishes.

“Aww but I thought we could play some board games!” I pouted, pointing at the stack of board games I had prepared on the floor.

“Maybe some other time, Steven. Besides, I overheard you two talking how much homework you had and you better start on them now, Mister!” She smiled ruffling my hair.

“She’s right you know.” Connie sighed, grabbing her phone to read the new message in. “Oh, my mom’s outside already. Sorry Steven, but you’ll have to do that by yourself.”

“What? Not you too!”

“Don’t worry, I’ll see you tomorrow!” Connie gave me a quick hug before running outside the door to meet her mom.

The sound of their car vrooming into the distance slowly faded away and it was just our breathing and the crashing waves from the beach that filled the room.

“If you need me, I’ll just be here downstairs, okay?” Peridot smiled, helping me fix the boardgames.

I still didn’t want to but Peridot was right. We were putting the last of the games in the shelf when something caught my eye.

“Hey Peridot?”

“Yeah?”

“Why do you have scratches on your wrist?”

She suddenly stopped what she was doing and looked at me.

“I-it’s Lion.” She smiled tightly. “I guess that stupid cat still doesn’t trust me enough that I wouldn’t steal her gross chew toys.”

“Oh.”

Silence filled the room.

Not once has Lion ever scratched anyone, even new people she’s never met before. I wanted to ask more but the way Peridot gripped her wrist made me stop.

“Okay, I’ll go up now!”

“Alright, Steven. Be good.”

**\- - -**

**[2 Hours Earlier]**

“We’re almost there, bud.” Dad announced as we turned to the next street. I was eating the last bit of the cookies when I felt it go down the wrong hole, making me cough.

“Steven! Are you okay?” Mom asked worriedly, soothing my back. I didn’t like it when mom and dad got really fussy and worried about me because I’m a growing boy! I could take care of myself too.

“I’m fine mom, I just ate too fast.” I laughed nervously, brushing off the event. Seriously, they were over reacting way too much.

“You know your mom and I are just worried about you.”

“I know. And you worry because you love me!”

“Very much, Steven.” Mom smiled, kissing me on the temple. “Very, very much.”

**\- - -**

**[7 Months Earlier]**

“Alright, but you go home straight away after you buy the doughnuts, okay?” Mom said, enveloping me in a tight hug.

“Ahh mom! You’re smothering me!” I laughed, wriggling out of my mom’s hug to let myself breathe.

Mom and Dad were on holiday from their jobs for a few weeks so they decided to spend as much time with me as they could! They let off Peridot from babysitting me for a while so I haven’t seen her in a week.

Now that I mention it, I wasn’t used to not seeing Peridot for that long of a time. My parents were usually away and even if I resented them being far so often, I was still really happy because Lapis and Peridot were always there to cheer me up. Sometimes we would even have sleepovers and Lapis would make the best hot cocoa in the world!

Of course, that was a long time ago.

Still, even if it was just Peridot and I right now (and sometimes Connie!), she never made me feel alone.

I’d like to think she felt the same way too.

“Come home to us safe, sweet pea!”

“I will, mom!”

The sky was filled with stars that night, and the breeze felt soft and wonderful. It was only a 15 minute walk to the Big Donut and everybody knew each other in town so it always felt safe. As soon as I bought what I wanted, I was on my way home.

_The stars look so pretty tonight, though._

I mused to myself. Well, it’s not like I had a lot of homework to do, so I took the long way home. It felt great to be skipping around the town! I’d see Buck and his gang and they’d wave at me and I waved back. I saw Garnet on her nightly jog and she’d greet me with a curt smile and be back on her way. I’d see the cats meowing loudly as they nudged on Peridot who was lying in the corner.

Wait.

“Peridot!” I rushed immediately to her side, almost dropping my donuts in the process.

“St-Steven?” She slurred, before clenching her stomach and lurching forward to vomit. Peridot smelled of those gross things mom and dad would drink and call alcohol. I hated the smell.

“You look terrible, Peridot! I should take you home.”

“No Steven, don’t.”

“But you’re sick!"

“I’m fi-” Her words get cut off as she started puking again. If I had to guess, I think it was from the bottles of vodka that were scattered around.

“They’re right.”

“What?”

“About me.”

“What about you?”

“I mean they’re right about me! Everything about me!” She wept, throwing the glass bottle to the wall. It shattered immediately into pieces, making me wince. “I shouldn’t have agreed to that trip.” She punches her fist in her mess, splashing them onto herself. “I should have taken both of you home earlier.” Her skin meets a shard, letting fresh blood mix in with her vomit. “I should have been fucking smarter! Fucking better! Fucking **STRONGER**!” She cried, punching continuously on, as if pain was a foreign concept to her.

I kept on crying out to her to stop during her monologue, trying in vain to hold her back from her mess.

“Peridot, please!” I pleaded. “It wasn’t your fault!”

“It is my fault, Steven!” She sobbed. “It’s always been my fucking fault.”

I’m glad that my parents felt the need to suddenly look for me because they found us as soon as they heard me crying. Mom immediately swooped me in her arms while Dad mangled Peridot off from her blood and sick.

The events that were happening, the stench that permeated from the substances... They were so overwhelming that it made me feel sick. I found myself blacking in and out the entire time.

All I could remember more that night were how my parents took us both home and mom helping Peridot clean up as she was sobbing to her.

_“I should have died instead, Lapis. I should have died.”_

**\- - -**

**[1 Hour Earlier]**

“The sky’s looking pretty gloomy today, huh?” Dad said, readying our umbrella in case it rained.

I always thought that movies were really good reflections of things that happened everyday. Peridot thought they were always exaggerated and Lapis would hit her with some popcorn, telling her to just sit down and enjoy whatever we were watching.

I smiled at the memory.

“I guess Lapis and I are right today.”

**\- - -**

**[3 Months Ago]**

“Ugh, for the last time, can you two stop playing in the rain? I swear to God you guys totally want me to get in trouble with your parents!” Peridot complained, drying herself with a towel. It was raining that day and Connie and I snuck out again to play and dance.

“Oh come on Peridot! You know it’s fun!” I giggled, getting three Cookie Cats for all of us from the fridge.

“No way, Steven. You march right into the shower as soon as Connie’s done. Until then, you’re not getting any Cookie Cat.” She said, snatching the treats from my hand.

“Aw man, you’re no fun!”

“Maybe you should have thought about your Cookie Cats before you made me chase you two under the rain.”

It wasn’t long after we all took our baths that Connie’s mom called early again to pick her up. It was a bummer because we were planning on playing some Mario Kart afterwards but I didn’t want to whine to Dr. Maheswaran. She could be pretty scary!

“Alright, just call me if you need any help. I’ll just be here downstairs.” She said, cleaning up the table.

I didn’t really want to do my homework, but our teacher, Ms. Diamond, could be scary too if we didn’t do it. I was almost done with my work when I stumbled upon a math problem I didn’t understand.

_Maybe Peridot would get this!_

I got out of my bed and grabbed my books. I was about to call out to her when I heard a sharp clicking sound. I stopped myself from talking and peeked at what was happening. Peridot was seated at the couch, winding and unwinding one of the cutters we kept at home. I didn’t really understand what she was doing until she bought her sleeve down and started to press the blade to her skin.

“Peridot!” She immediately whirled at me, stuffing the cutter inside her backpack.

“What is it Steven? Need help?” She asked, looking a bit frazzled. I wanted to ask her what she was doing but the way she was jittering made me bite my tongue.

“I-I didn’t really get this question. Can you help me?”

We spent an hour doing the rest of my homework, Peridot checking if I was understanding everything she was teaching me. Peridot’s a great teacher, even better than Ms. Diamond! I told her this and she blushed, saying that I was only flattering her. She was really good with Math and Computers and she told me once that as soon as she graduated, she was going to create her own game.

“Alright, that’s everything.” She said, helping me fix my things. I could have just gotten my things and said good night to her but I just couldn’t help myself.

“Peridot, did Lion really scratch you?” I asked, trying to be as casual as possible.

Like last time, she stopped what she was doing and looked at me.

“Yeah. He did.” She said curtly, resuming fixing my things.

I never lie to anyone. So it really hurt to see Peridot lie to me.

I immediately put my hand on Peridot’s, stopping her.

“Peridot. I know I’m 10. I know I’m still a kid. But please don’t pretend like I’m the same boy 2 years ago.”

Now that I was looking more closely at Peridot, I could see how her eyes were so tired and puffy from possibly the countless nights of having no sleep. I could see how her sadness had aged her 10 years older, and how her cheeks started to hollow from never eating anymore.

“I-I’m sorry Steven.” She bit her lip, trying not to let herself cry. We sat down on the floor, quietly, letting time just pass by us like leaves in the sky. I wanted to say so many things to her but I kept my mouth shut.

“This is stupid.”

“Huh?”

“I said, this is stupid. I’m stupid.” She shook her head, letting her hand comb through her hair. “It’s been almost fourteen months, and it still feels like everything happened yesterday.”

I sat there quietly, waiting for her to continue on.

“Sometimes I wonder, if she could still see me, would she laugh?” She smiled bitterly, letting a tear escape. “She must think I’m such a stupid dork.”

“Peridot…”

“I know, you’re going to say I’m not. You’re also probably going to lecture me how Lapis wouldn’t want to see me this way, but it’s hard, you know.” She clenched her fist. “It’s so fucking hard when you know that you could have just stayed there in the cold, fucking dark and drowned with her in that –” She pauses, suddenly noticing how I was starting to cry.

“But then I look at you and remind myself that no. Maybe… Maybe I’m not that much of a fuck up.” She said, slightly smiling before ruffling my hair.

I inch in closer to her and pull her into a hug.

“You’re not a… You know. An F-up.” I mumbled, making her softly laugh.

“You’re a sweet boy, Steven.” She said, bringing me into her lap and hugging me. I clutched onto the arms that were wrapped around me until they stopped. I took one of Peridot’s arms and laid it out in front of me. Her long sleeves were folded slightly so I tugged at them lower. I heard Peridot’s breath hitch and she tried to tug it back but I wouldn’t let her.

Scars.

So many scars.

“Peridot?” I asked softly. “What are these?”

I was met with silence.

“I… I used to have another person babysit me when I was 5, and I remember seeing that she had these on her arms.” I said trying to mentally count the scars all over her arm.

“Mom told me that sometimes, people hurt a lot so bad that they need to hurt themselves too.”

I felt something wet drop on my head.

“Eventually, I never saw her again. I asked my mom where she went and mom said that she had to go back to her home in the sky.”

I could feel Peridot tremble in my hold, her face now buried in my hair, wetting it with tears.

“Please don’t go back to the sky, Peridot.”

She releases herself from my hold and starts to hug me so tightly, her sobs resounding throughout the house.

_“Please don’t.”_

**\- - -**

**[Present]**

“The flowers look so beautiful, mom.” I whispered, clutching my mom’s hand tightly. They were freshly mottled blue roses that oddly smelled like the ocean and mint candies. I didn’t know how it happened but apparently roses can smell that way now.

“They better be, because I am not going to have blue dyed hands for a week for nothing.” A grumpy blonde scoffed, wheeling herself closer for us to see.

“Peridot!” I cried, running to her and jumping in her wheelchair.

“Easy, easy! This still hurts you know.” Peridot complained, trying to adjust her position.

Not long after that night a few months ago, I heard that somebody had jumped from the second floor of their apartment. I was so horrified to learn that it was Peridot and so I ran my fastest to the hospital. There was a tall and muscular lady with odd patches on her skin that was also there who was waiting outside the emergency room.

I heard the nurses whispering it was a failed suicide attempt, which made me feel so nauseous that I had to go into the bathroom to keep my bearings. The lady outside was named Jasper and she helped me through everything that was happening.

“But I’m so happy to see you!” I laughed, bouncing up and down in the wheelchair.

“Alright you little twerp, get back down or do I have to carry you?” Jasper snickered, raising me up in the air before putting me down.

“Haha, Jasper’s here too!” I squealed, marvelling how it was so cool to see her again.

If Connie was the person who helped me get through the accident almost two years ago, Jasper was that person to Peridot.

 

_“You know, most jumpers realise that as they fall, something flashes in their eyes and they start to regret their choices.” Jasper said, peeling a banana as she sat by Peridot in the hospital room._

_“I know.”_

_“So what did you see?”_

 

_“Her.”_

 

“Alright you three, I thought the point of all this was to spend time with Lapis?” Mom smiled, putting a hand to her hip.

“But we are spending time with Lapis!” I grinned, waving frantically at everyone.

“Every time we smile, or we laugh, that’s Lapis saying hi to all of us!”

Peridot looked at me and smiled, wheeling herself towards me.

“So, Ghost Whisperer Universe, what’s Lapis saying to us right now?” She raised a brow at me with an amused look.

I fell into a deep thought until I heard a faint whisper in my ear.

 

**_“Keep Living.”_ **

**Author's Note:**

> Life is hard.  
> But please keep living.
> 
> Thank you for reading.


End file.
